Picture this: you’re exhausted, your toddler demands to nurse, and when you say “no,” they turn into a tiny tornado of fists and tears. It’s not exactly the Hallmark image of breastfeeding, is it?
If you’ve ever felt trapped between setting boundaries and battling tantrums, you’re not alone. Many mothers wrestle with frustration, guilt, and exhaustion when saying "no" to breastfeeding a demanding toddler.
This blog post offers practical strategies and emotional support to help you navigate this challenging phase with confidence and compassion. (And I have a Free Guide to saying "No" the feed while still saying "Yes" to the need that is an awesome companion to this post.)
Understanding Toddler Behavior and Emotional Responses
Toddlers are emotionally driven little humans. For them, nursing isn’t just about milk—it’s about calm, connection, and emotional regulation. When denied, their frustration often translates into physical aggression, such as hitting. Common triggers include:
Fatigue or hunger.
A need for reassurance or closeness.
Difficulty transitioning between tasks or activities.
At this age, a toddler’s brain is still underdeveloped. In fact, neuroscientists classify a toddler’s brain as an "infant brain" until age three. They rely heavily on their caregiver's more mature brain to regulate emotions. (Dr. Greer Kirshenbaum shares all about this in her book "The Nurture Revolution" - and summarizes the way babies & toddler's relies on their parent's brain in this Instagram post.)
The Emotional Toll on Mothers When a Breastfed Toddler Hits When Your Say No.
Breastfeeding aversion is real, and it can feel overwhelming. Many mothers describe the sensation as wanting to “crawl out of their own skin.” One mom shared, “I’m so tired, and my back pain is getting worse. I feel like a monster mother, but I just can’t do this anymore.”
Acknowledging these feelings without judgment is critical for your mental health. It’s important to remember that your emotional state also affects your child.
The "Breastfeeding Stress Spiral"
When your toddler’s brain is overwhelmed, they look to you for regulation. But if you’re emotionally exhausted, the mature part of your brain may also “go offline.” This creates a feedback loop where neither of you can calm down easily. (To deep dive into the Toddler Breastfeeding Stress Spiral, head over to my most popular blog post on Toddler "Boob" Addiction.)
Often, this leads parents to instinctively try to control their toddler’s behavior through rewards or consequences. However, the real key is recognizing that your calm regulates your child’s calm.
Setting Boundaries with Compassion
Boundaries are not just for your child—they are for you. Recognizing and accepting your own needs is critical for fostering a healthy relationship with your toddler.
How to Identify Your Needs:
Notice your body.
Close your eyes or place a hand on your chest to connect with your physical sensations.
Perform a "body scan," focusing on sensations from head to toe.
Ask yourself: What do I need right now?
A drink of water, a quick snack, or a moment to breathe are valid and vital needs.
Take one small step to meet that need.
This self-awareness helps you reset and respond to your toddler from a place of calm.
Practical Strategies for Handling Aggression
One of Dr. Ross Greene's most famous quotes is "Kid's do well when they can."
He believes that when a kid's behavior isn't appropriate for the moment, it's not because they don't want to act differently (if that were the case, rewards and consequences to make them want to act differently would be the answer.) Instead, he argues that it's unmet needs and lacking skills that inhibit a child from "behaving" well. (You can read more about Dr. Ross Greene's work at www.livesinthebalance.org)
From this view, the question when your breastfed toddler hits when you say 'no' isn't "how do I stop/manage this aggression?" it's "what does my child need right now?"
It could be something extremely practical like, sleep, water, or food. It might be something a little less "obvious" like movement and play, proprioceptive input (like wrestling or using a weighted toy/blanket), reassurance and connection, space to feel their feelings, support to know what to do instead of what not to do etc...
When your toddler hits, it’s tempting to react with anger or guilt. However, blanket statements like “stop hitting” or “don’t grab my shirt” are unlikely to address the root of the issue.
Here’s why:
Toddlers lack impulse control until about age four.
They cannot independently move from a heightened emotional state to calm—they need your guidance.
Instead of focusing on what you don’t want, redirect their actions toward what you do want.
Redirecting Aggression:
Offer Empathy and Validation:
Acknowledge their feelings. For example, “You’re so upset because I said no to milk. I understand.”
Give a Positive Command:
Instead of saying “stop hitting,” try, “Give me a big high five!”
Use playful commands that meet their sensory needs, like, “Push on my hand as hard as you can!”
This approach leverages their lack of impulse control while meeting their emotional and sensory needs.
Examples:
Scenario 1: Your child hits you after you say no to breastfeeding. Respond with, “You’re so mad you can’t have milk right now. Push on my hand as hard as you can!”
Scenario 2: Your child screams at the park after being denied breastfeeding. Try, “I hear your loud voice! Show me your biggest angry bear growl!”
"Say No to the Feed, Yes to the Need"
Dealing with aggressive pushback requires understanding two key elements:
Your needs in the moment.
Your toddler’s needs in the moment.
When these needs are met, both of you can approach the situation with greater calm, connection, and compassion.
If you’d like more guidance, check out the free guide, "Making Changes: Say No to the Feed While Saying Yes to the Need," which dives deeper into communicating with your toddler and exploring boundary-setting myths. Click here to download your free copy.
Conclusion
Navigating the emotional storms of a toddler who hits when denied breastfeeding is no easy feat. By recognizing your needs, setting compassionate boundaries, and offering your toddler the support they require, you can transform these challenging moments into opportunities for connection and growth.
Remember, it’s not about being a perfect parent—it’s about showing up with empathy for both yourself and your child.
FAQs
1. Why does my toddler hit when I say no to breastfeeding?
Toddlers often hit out of frustration due to their inability to regulate emotions. Nursing provides comfort and connection, and being denied can feel overwhelming because it's doesn't support the underlying need that is causing your child to want to breastfeed in the first place.
2. How can I stay calm when my toddler hits me?
Focus on your physical sensations to ground yourself. Notice your breathing, take a moment to reset, and meet your own needs before addressing your toddler’s behavior.
3. What are some alternatives to “stop hitting” when redirecting aggression?
Try playful commands like, “Give me a high five!” or “Push on my hands!” to channel their impulses positively.
4. How do I balance my needs with my toddler’s demands?
Identify what you need in the moment—whether it’s water, a snack, or a moment to breathe. Taking care of yourself enables you to meet your toddler’s needs more effectively.
5. Is it okay to set boundaries with a breastfeeding toddler?
Yes, boundaries are essential for both your well-being and, in-turn, your child’s development. Compassionate boundaries help create a healthy balance for both of you.
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